I’m new to all of this and right now I feel like my head is about to explode. This post is just me trying to splurge out my thoughts and make sense of stuff. It’s not to persuade or influence anybody. In fact it’s quite possible that I’m the only person who will ever read this. If anybody does ever read it, please critique it! I am open to understanding different perspectives and see that they help me to become a wiser person.
The thoughts below are my current thoughts as at March 2015. As I experience more of life and learn about the experiences of others, my views change and hopefully become more rounded.
So who am I and where do I fit in? I am, for want of a better phrase, a trans woman. And there is the first issue. Does trans exist? Am I a woman?
These are big questions and ones that I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about.
What does it mean to be female?
As with most species, from a biological sense humans are sexually dimorphic (yes there are intersex people, but that doesn’t undermine the wider facts). There are males, with testes, and a penis, who produce small gametes called sperm. And there are females with ovaries who produce larger gametes called eggs. When a sperm and an egg come together they (can) form an embryo which is carried inside the female during pregnancy.
I am biologically male. I was born with those characteristics I’ve mentioned above. I fathered children. I was born biologically male, I am still biologically male. Taking female hormones and having SRS does not change the fact that I’m biologically male.
To purport that I am biologically female would seem to me to be extremely disingenuous.
Accepting that I am biologically male doesn’t contradict or undermine anything else that I feel or believe to hold true. I’ve been told that I am self loathing because of this. I actually believe the exact opposite. I spent decades living with self loathing when I lived in the social role of “man”. I then spent a period of self loathing because I was trans. I had internalised transphobia. Believing that it was biological somehow made it easier for me to accept myself. I blindly subscribed to the mantra that transwomen are women just like any other woman. That I’ve always been a woman. But I couldn’t fully subscribe to that view. That felt like a denial of my past. I fathered children. I am their father. I have no need or desire to deny that.
I realised that my need for such a belief was as a comforter, because I still had internalised transphobia. Society doesn’t accept males that look and act like women. Males are supposed to act like men. Females are supposed to act like women. Reducing the complexity of trans identity to the enormous over simplification of “a woman born in the wrong body” makes it easier for society to reconcile. And therefore made it easier for me to accept myself. And I am so grateful that society has moved on so much in the last ten years. I really feel, particularly in the last few years, that society is much more tolerant of trans people and, for the most part, that is a very, very good thing.
However, accepting my male biology, and accepting that it does not change who I am, and learning to not feel shameful that I’m biologically male but still reject the social role of “man” has been really liberating for me. It gets rid of the inconsistencies that traditional trans ideology created between my present and my past.
So yes, I accept that I am biologically male and I still Identify as a trans woman, and I love myself.
I’ll post more on my understanding of gender roles in part 2.